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February 2, 2013
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Morning, now – fuzz on the tongue marks the place
where half dose meets eleven hours under,
and I cannot push the pillows aside.
This air reeks of sweat wrought of base
desire, control by which I do not abide.

Too poor to break things during a fight,
so we shatter smiles found after too long a night

Morning, now – a start to what? I wonder.
Empty cupboards the result of irrevocable raids
tell my story, old as old:
scars and aches, muscles torn asunder,
searching for someone to hold.

A painting – trees on the bank of a dam – encased in black,
a reminder of better days to which we cannot go back

Morning, now – dissonance of fan blades
swirling, cutting the alarm chime;
this lethargy, my unasked for bane.
Day spills to night and memory fades
while so many misplaced efforts to rest are lain.
:bulletorange: A/B/C/A/C - B becomes the next stanza A and rhyming transitions*
:bulletblue: my first real try at something using repetition
:bulletorange: first person in this piece is not [completely] i. used to [hopefully] give the piece a grounded feeling
:bulletblue: of depression, arguments, loneliness, economic hardships

~ -- ~

* i will continue from this point forward to use this format for my nineteen lines poems

this is the fifth piece of the nineteen lines poems i've done. i wanted to put out my contribution to the feelings of hardships

- does the repetition give any feel of hopelessness or struggle? (as i want it to)
- are the images clear enough without being ambiguous? (whether you personally relate or not)
- i struggled with the title: does it fit at all?

feedback, critiques, all the like are welcomed

i have given commentary here [link]
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Professional Writer
Hi, Sean here from #We-Poets responding because you requested a critique for this.

I read through this twice so far because I didn't understand it the first time and only kinda-sorta get it the second, but that's okay! =) To answer the questions in your description: yes the repetition works and the description mostly works, I think I know what it means but it is still ambiguous...the title doesn't make sense, but it's a nice title, so if you feel strongly about it, keep it.

I'd make some edits to the poem here and there. As I always say, don't think of editing as hacking up your art, think of it as delicately trimming your bonsai tree to highlight the greatest beauty. Disagree with all of the below, but I like to give the most feedback I can. Hope if nothing else that it helps you see another person's view. =)

fuzz on the tongue/half dose/sweat/base
***Is this about waking up from freebasing acid or something? That's my best guess but if you want readers to KNOW without having to ask, you know now that I didn't know. =)

so we shatter smiles found after too long a night
***This line feels a tad too long. Maybe change to "we shatter smiles after too long a night"

result of irrevocable raids
***I usually love alliteration, but this just slowed me down and made me have to read it a few times. Tongue twister more than alliteration.

a reminder of better days to which we cannot go back
***I think in pursuit of rhyme, this line feels off. The line before it is long but works because it's in 3 pieces. Maybe just shorten this to: "a reminder of better days – we cannot go back"

blades/cutting/spills
***Am I getting that correctly again? This drug thing?

this lethargy, my unasked for bane.
***line feels a beat too long for some reason in context with other lines around it, maybe take out "my" so it's "this lethargy, unasked for bane."

while so many misplaced efforts to rest are lain.
***another rhyme-reacher that feels awkward...not sure how you'd revise it without just changing the phrase to get another "ane" sound
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:iconmoon-lit-words:
moon-lit-words Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013
thank you c:

- i don't know about the title. couldn't think of anything in particular
- half dose : a lot of antidepressants make the user sleep unusually long hours; this first one would touch the depression and loneliness themes
- i get you on the line being long; i felt it, too. this format is still something i'm working with; these two line transitions are my play at prosetry or prose over poetic continuations
- hadn't thought of it as alliteration; i s'pose it's possible, but linguistically, irrevocable won't technically allow for it ^^; i'd thought 'indelible raids' but realised, with poverty (or those month long stretches) when you're not eating much... everything is slow, hard to get through
- again, long, yeah. different play with format within the poem; i've got work to do, yet
- blades/cutting/spills: no drugs in the piece x) it's just the sound of the fan blades pitted against the alarm chime; another shot of portraying lethargy
- "ane" : i agree completely; that's a rough end sound, in my opinion, especially trying to keep the stanza closer to as few thoughts as possible

what's up here is essentially the initial draft. i'm a little busy with something else at the moment, and then through april, possibly, but i'd like to come back to this piece

thanks, again, for your time and input. you touched on things i'd objectively considered, and the mention of the ambiguity is good for me ^^; i try to avoid it whenever possible
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:iconangelenroute:
angelenroute Featured By Owner Feb 21, 2013  Professional Writer
:)
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:iconrealartizt:
realARTIZT Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
"Morning, now – a start to what? I wonder.
Empty cupboards the result of irrevocable raids
tell my story, old as old:
scars and aches, muscles torn asunder,
searching for someone to hold."


Best lines right there...I love this. The emotion was all here in this poem and I put myself there with my head hurting thinking of morning and regrets of the night before and this failure haunting me. Had to fave this after reading this 3 more times :)
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:iconmoon-lit-words:
moon-lit-words Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013
glad someone took time to read this c: thank you, and thank you for the favorite
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:iconrealartizt:
realARTIZT Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem moon- it's what I do! ^.^
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